I’m doing better now that we’re more than a month past the election. My stomach hurts less and the number of times I wake up in the middle of the night consumed by dread is generally less than two.
I’m most bothered, for whatever reason, by the climate change deniers that the president-elect wants to stuff in his cabinet. A friend told me the other day that he wishes all the deniers would sit in an open, idling car in a closed garage for an hour, and then report back as to whether they still believe climate change is bogus.
But none of this is very festive, is it? Let’s get to some Donald Trump-themed Christmas carols:
Trumpaclaus is Coming to Town
You better watch out
You better not pry
You better not doubt
Or even ask why
Trumpaclaus is coming to town
He’s making a list
He’s building a fence
New PJs for Putin
A torch for Mike Pence
Trumpaclaus is coming to town
He tweets us when we’re sleeping
He tweets when we’re awake
He blows off security briefings
He should tweet those, too, for
tweetness sake
You better watch out!
You better not pry
Don’t mind the drought
Just drink and get high
Trumpaclaus is coming to town
Down on the South Lawn (to “Up on the House Top”)
Down on the South Lawn
Reindeer pause
Fearing Donald Trumpaclaus
Historic Truman Balcony’s
the perfect blind
He and Eric shoot every one they find
Ho ho ho, the herd’s gotta go
Ho ho ho, the herd’s gotta go
Down on the South Lawn
Click, click, click
Even Richard Nixon wasn’t this sick
First one is Prancer, an easy kill
Second down is Dancer by the
window sill
Vixen’s the next one to go bye-bye
Oops, that’s the president of Uruguay
Ho ho ho, they didn’t know
They confused Uruguay
with Mexico-o-oh
Down on the South Lawn
Click, click, click
Excuse me, Mr. President,
but you’re a …
(provide rhyming word of your choice)
North We Go! (to “Let It Snow”)
Oh the nominees are so frightful
They almost seem quite spiteful
With all of our belongings in tow
North we go!
North we go!
North we go!
At the Canadian border we’re stopping
“Just here to do some shopping”
Showing passports gold and blue
Let us through!
Let us through!
Let us through!
Except the guard says Canada
just closed
Our trusted ally gone
Now where in the Hell should we go?
To Taiwan!
To Taiwan!
To Taiwan!
Alas, now back home I’m driving
Where manufacturing’s thriving
’Cause as long as I watch fake news
I can’t lose!
I can’t lose!
I can’t lose!
You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
(No wording changes necessary)
They’re Beginning to Look A Lot Like Fascists
They’re beginning to look a lot
like fascists
Ev’ry where you go
With sentences five-to-ten
Languishing in the pen
For anyone who doesn’t get in tow
They’re beginning to look a lot
like fascists
Like the Nazis we beat in war
But the prettiest sight to see
Is the Russian flag to be
Hanging on your own front door
I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
(Enough said)
The Dreidel Song
(Banned)
The Twelve Days of Swamp Draining
(final stanza)
On the 12th day of swamp draining my
Donald gave to meeeee
twelllllve ExxonMobil CEOs with ties
to Putin!
Eleven climate change denialists
for EPA!
Ten South Carolina governors with no
international experience for
U.N. ambassador!
Nine Guantanamo defenders for
Homeland Security!
Eight retired neurosurgeons who
look way stoned!
Seven defense secretaries named
“Mad Dog”!
Six geriatric bankruptcy tricksters
to head Commerce!
Five Wall Street insiders for Treasury!
Four wives of Mitch McConnell,
the senater who dismissed
CIA claims of Russian meddling before
the election!
Three ObamaCare dismantlers!
Two mega-political donors
named Betsy!
And an A.G. who’s anti-liberty
(except for guns)!
Frosty the Bannon
Frosty the Bannon,
Came to life without a soul
With his Breitbart tripe and talon toes
And a heart made out of coal
Frosty the Bannon
Is a scary tale quite insane
He was made of ice
It was his advice
That saved Donald Trump’s campaign.
There must have been some magic
In that swastika he found
For when he placed it on his head
His shirt got very brown
Oh, Frosty the Bannon
Eyes as dead as dead can be
And the children yell
“Frosty go to Hell.
Get your cold dead hands off me!”
Trumpety trump, trump
Trumpety trump, trump
Let’s melt Frosty like this
Trumpety trump, trump
Trumpety trump, trump
Stand back and take a …
(provide rhyming word of your choice)