We’re squarely in the middle of Oktoberfest (Sept 19-24), and I know what you’re thinking: Why are there no clever parodies of popular Oktoberfest drinking songs that celebrate Central New York?
Problem solved. Due to the importance of the topic, I actually did some research for a change, and I discovered that many of the most popular Oktoberfest songs originated not in Germany but in the United States, Great Britain and elsewhere.
Switzerland, for example, bears responsibility for the distressingly enduring “Chicken Dance,” first known as Der Ententanz or “Dance of the Officially Neutral Mallard That Shelters Assets Stolen in Wartime.”
On that note, it’s time to hoist an enormous stein of your favorite pilsner or doppelbock, and burst into song:
“Sweet Caroheim”
Where it began,
I can’t begin to knowin’
But all that I knew was it was wrong.
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who’d have believed they’d be so long?
Veins, touchin’ veins
Unsightly veins, touchin’ me, touchin’ youuuu…
Locastro Vein Center!
Good times never seemed so good
(So good! So good!)
IIIII’ve been inclined
To believe they never would
But now I …
… look on TV
And it don’t seem so lonely
Juli B. says I’m not alone.
And when they spread,
Veins creepin’ ‘round my great gams,
That’s when I turn to Locastro …
Laser, cauterizing laser
Reachin’ out, cauterizing me, cauterizing youuuu …
Locastro Vein Center!
Endovenous laser therapy never felt so good
(So good! So good!) …
“The Roadkill (a.k.a. Chicken) Dance”
I don’t wanna hit a turkey
I don’t wanna hit a buck
So I crash my truck
(clap, clap, clap, clap)
(repeat four times)
“Play! Baby”
Hey, hey baby (Ooo! Gross!)
I wanna know if you’ll play my amphitheater
Hey, hey baby (Ooo! Gross!)
I wanna know if you’ll play my amphitheater
When I saw you rockin’ Darien Lake
I said that’s the kind of band that the ’Cuse should take
You sound pretty, you sound fine,
built you a venue on the taxpayers’ dime.
Hey, hey baby (Ooo! Gross!)
I wanna know if you’ll play my amphitheater.
Then you took a different tack,
you bypassed me for the freakin’ SPAC
Come on, baby, don’t be a hater.
Try my toxic amphitheater
Hey, hey baby (Ooo! Gross!)
I wanna know if you’ll play my amphitheater.
(repeat 10,000 times)
“Take the Dome, To Rock Cut Road”
Not quite Heaven, why we here?
Cans of Blue Light, urination troughs
Roof is old there, older than the trees
And when it’s hot out, there’s no AC
Take the Dome, to Rock Cut Road
To the dump where it belongs
What’d it win ya? Doubts ’n drama
Take the dome, to Rock Cut Road
All my hemorrhoids,
painful throbbing features
They’re exacerbated
by those hard metal bleachers
Dark and dreary,
you can’t see the sky
No beer after halftime,
teardrops in my eyes
Take the Dome, to Rock Cut Road
To the dump where it belongs
What’d it win ya? Doubts ’n drama
Take the dome, to Rock Cut Road
I hear his voice
but I can’t make out the words he says
PA sounds like breathin’
in a bag — far away.
And walkin’ up the hill,
I get a certain feeling
That I should’ve been dead
yesterday, yesterdaaayyyy
Take the Dome, to Rock Cut Road
To the dump where it belongs.
What’d it win ya? Doubts ’n drama
Take the Dome, to Rock Cut Road.
“I Will (Barely) Survive”
At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking pavement on the towpath
Might leave my old knees fried
But then I spent so many nights
thinking gravel did me wrong
And I grew strong
Nothing rhymes here — how ’bout “bong’?
And so it is.
Thanks to the state
They just walked right into town
And decided five miles of fate.
They should have met with everyone
There should have been reports and talk
About the nature of the surface,
on which we bike and walk
Go on now go, walk out the door
just finish up the job
’cause you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the jerks who tried to take down 81?
Did you think it’d crumble,
You think that superstructure’s done?
Oh no, not I,
I will survive
Oh as long as Dr. Scholl’s exists,
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my joints to give
and I’ll survive
Or I’ll just drive
Or I’ll just drive!